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Ready or Not (2019)

“I got Old Maid…”

Ready or Not (2019)
Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett
Stars: Samara Weaving, Adam Brody, Mark O’Brien, Henry Czerny, Andie MacDowell

I vividly recall when the trailers dropped for this flick thinking “Hmm, looks Ok. I may watch it some day. Probably not, but maybe. If I’m in the mood. Someday. Probably not though”. What a fucking idiot. I started hearing some positive buzz for the flick and read a glowing review contained in my local yet American Hedge Fund Owned Far Right Wing American Interests Tabloid Newspaper. So then I thought “Hmm, interesting. I’ll definitely consider possibly thinking about giving this movie a watch some day. Probably not”. What an asshole. It gets to theaters and still, I hear good things. I almost went, but probably chose to watch Avengers 7: Cruise Control instead. Dipshit. Time passed and still I had not seen Ready or Not until one fateful evening. My pal Dallas, who had an unhealthy obsession with my not having seen Encino Man, wanted to watch Encino Man. It was exactly as underwhelming and mediocre as I had imagined. The best part was the frequently used meme with the bully shaking his head ‘No’ when Astin is scoping his girlfriend in class. Anyway, enough about Encino Man, that was the disappointing appetizer, it was time for the main effin’ course. Ready or Not…

Let’s get it out of the way, if you couldn’t tell already, I loved this flick. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this gibberish and get it playing on your preferred method of viewing, I’ll wait… Awesome right?

A little background on this flick before we get to the goods. This is the second feature directed by this duo, having previously done Devil’s Due, the “10/31/98” segment from V/H/S and a variety of short films. “10/31/98” was probably my least favorite segment from V/H/S, however I still enjoyed it thoroughly. The budget was $6,000,000 and the box-office came in at $57.4 million. Impressive. Most Impressive. 6 milly well spent. This is why Horror rules, these beauties took a modest $6,000,000 and made a feast for the eyes and a treat for the demented soul. Like so many Horror filmmakers before them, they translated a modest budget into box-office gold. The star of the show is Samara Weaving, and she is AWESOME. I had only seen Samara in Ash vs. Evil Dead, but that’s going to change. She’s a star. Holy shit, I just checked IMDB for her future projects and she’s going to be Scarlett in the new GIJOE spin off. Now, I only just found out this movie existed, but this is clearly the greatest casting of all time. If she whips half the ass in Snake Eyes as she does in Ready or Not we’re in for a treat. Ok, we should move on from how cool Samara is; did I mention she’s Hugo Weaving’s niece? That is neat.

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She’s also going to be in the new Bill and Ted movie, damn she’s cool.

“Make sure you include how fucking bomb-tastic Samara Weaving was. A tour de force says Dallas Davies”
Dallas Davies, Calgary, Alberta

Ok, here is your reminder SPOILERS are ahead. Now, begrudgingly moving on from Samara Weaving and to the film Ready or Not, starring Samara Weaving. Our film opens with two kid brothers running through the halls of a lavish mansion, I hate these kids already, eat the rich. A distraught man approaches the older one and begs for help. Dude if you need help from a 12 year old just pack your shit, you’re done. The kid, being a spoiled rich boy, rats out this hapless and child reliant oaf, screaming “he’s in here!”. The oaf panics and attempts to run but is met by a group of masked rich folk who appear to have had their Eyes Wide Shut party interrupted. One of these masked bastards shoots the oaf with a crossbow, which is admittedly bad-ass, even for someone who appears to have just left Max Shreck’s costume party while their 1st born child is being kidnapped by the Red Triangle Gang. This my friend’s is the hook, and it’s a good one. I’m in, ready or not here I come.

Fast forward 30 years, finally, Samara is here! She plays Grace a former foster kid who longs to have a family of her own. She is about to marry rich boy Alex, played by Mark O’brien, Alex seems to be Ok for a spoiled rich kid. Oh shit, here comes Seth from the OC, I love Seth! (Lovely Adam Brody playing Daniel, Alex’s brother). It’s time for a wedding and there’s nothing scary about that, just pledging to spend the rest of your life with another soul. Til’ death do us part, Am I right? This family seems pretty alright for stuffy rich folk, and there’s Andie MacDowell as Alex’s mom, Becky and she’s always pretty chill. Hmm, there is a creepy older woman at the wedding staring daggers at Samara, how dare she? Relax creepy older woman, it’s a party.

It is now the night of Alex and Grace’s wedding and instead of having the obligatory “holy shit we’re tired from this long ass day, but it’s our wedding night, so we gotta do it” sex, Alex informs Grace they have to play a game. She’s a lil’ confused but since it’s apparently this weird ass family tradition she’s game because games are fun and fun is fun. Turns out creepy older woman is Aunt Helene and she is still a grumpy curmudgeon, loosen up it’s a party. Now Alex, Grace and the Le Domas family (Patriarch Tony, Matriarch Becky, Brother Daniel; His wife Charity, Sister Emilie; her husband Fitch, and Aunt Helene) are gathered around a large table and we’re hit with the shocking revelation that Seth from the OC (Daniel) is no longer with Summer. He is now an alcoholic married to a vapid gold-digger only after his Cohen Cash. Patriarch Tony gives us some much needed context as he explains that his great-great-great grand pappy made a deal with some kinda wizard named Le Belvedere, Le Beauregard or Le Bail. This travelling wizard helped build the Le Domas family fortune in exchange for the promise they would observe this wedding night tradition of playing a game. That’s all it takes to become fabulously wealthy? Sign me up. They pass an old box full of cards around, silly Fitch tells us he played old maid, what a silly goose, hush Fitch. It is now time for Grace to choose a card… Hide and Seek, uh-oh. Alex is devastated while other family members appear visually distraught. Grace, not grasping what’s truly going on begins to hide as the family arms up with antique weaponry.

At this point my mind is eagerly imagining the fun times to come. I can’t wait to watch the inevitable transformation of Grace from elegant bride to a bad-ass running through these stuffy rich folk. I mean who hasn’t fantasized about butchering a filthy rich family with their own antique weapons and then stealing their gold? Now it may not have went down exactly like that, but it was damn satisfying none the less.

Alex, having previously been locked away so he wouldn’t interfere with the game has escaped and found his bride. In their room he tries to explain how dire the situation actually is. They hear a family member approaching and this leads to my first wheezing belly laugh of the film. Emilie, Alex’s sister, who enjoys Coca Cola Classic far too much, makes an egregious error. Grace doesn’t find the situation as amusing as I did, but she is now fully aware of what the game’s consequences are. As an aside with full disclosure, I enjoy stylized violence quite a bit, especially anything with significant gore. I have been known to have fits of laughter at times others may deem inappropriate (I refer to watching A History of Violence and Eastern Promises in theaters. Apparently some boomers in attendance didn’t share my affinity for brutal violence on the silver screen). I can’t help myself. Moving along, Alex informs Grace that the family believes they must murder her by sunrise or the pact with Le Bail will be broken and great misfortune will befall the Le Domas clan. These opulent bozos actually believe this? Ok. It is revealed that this card was pulled 30 years ago, our opening hook was Alex and Daniel as children ratting out that hapless chap.

It’s now time for Grace to actually run and hide. After Seth from the OC (Daniel) discovers Grace, we find out he’s actually an Ok guy and gives Grace a head start before calling out to his more bloodthirsty family. Alex, ever the dutiful husband, smashes the families security monitors to help Grace a little. I’d have just smashed my families faces were it me and they were that evil, but you do you Alex. Grace has now escaped the mansion and is hiding out in a barn. Things have been relatively “easy” for Grace up until this point, but that changes after she’s confronted by one of Emilie’s bratty children. This kid is supposed to be in bed, not part of the game, this family pisses me off. After suffering a grievous wound, Grace punches the small child in the face and I have another hearty laugh. Our hero ends up in a pit filled with other victims and I feel like I can actually smell her surroundings, this pit sucks. All I could think of was “Oh no, Grace is going to get Hantavirus!” Grace escapes the pit by performing one of those cringe inducing feats typically reserved for an Evil Dead picture. It was awesome.

Out of the barn now our hero runs into the butler, who has been tasked with retrieving her. She’s able to jack his ride and we’re feeling good, but uh oh… There’s ample run time left. The On-Star jerk on the intercom kills the ignition and Grace is SOL. After some back and forth with the butler the car is wrecked with Grace being captured and returned to the mansion. Is this the untimely end of Grace? It looks that way. She’s prepared for sacrifice as these psychos drink some kind of ceremonial libation. The family then display symptoms I can only describe as “your guide had too many crispy boys in Houston before the Bills playoff game a few weeks back”. There is bloody gurr (puke), everywhere. It turns out our boy Seth from the OC (Daniel) is a good man, after all! He gave his asshole family members some non-lethal poison, much like the non-lethal tequila I imbibed after having far too many crispy boys in Houston before the Bills playoff game. A fire is started during a scuffle with the patriarch, Tony.

Grace now must face the matriarch, Becky, in a classic Aging Heel vs Young Baby Face match. The Face squashes her opponent, 1-2-3 for the title, the crowd goes wild and your guide is lolling again. Alex shows up and being an entitled, toxic, rich boy can’t get past not having Grace for his own and gives her up to the family. Dink, she should have married Seth from the OC (Daniel). Grace is now once more prepared for the sacrifice and the twisted family hail Satan. She’s able to break free because she’s awesome.

While Grace and creepy Aunt Helene struggle a window curtain is moved to reveal the sun has risen! Ok, seriously, if you haven’t seen this flick stop reading and go watch it. Or if you want, skip ahead and I’ll highlight where it’s safe to start reading again. There Be Spoilz ahead.

The family gasps in terror as… Nothing happens. The tradition is a load of hogwash. Of course it is, dummies. These people actually thought the deal with Le Bail was real. So many people have died because of your sad devotion to this insane tradition, I mean-WHOA, WTF! Aunt Helene just exploded. I don’t have time to Lol. After a moment or two pass to let things sink in, another family member explodes. Emilie rushes her children out of the room and we get three consecutive poofs of human gore shooting through the thresh hold. The kids exploded, classic. The rest of the family has become a pile of goo on the floor, leaving Alex with his wife. He begs for forgiveness like the yellow bellied coward he is before she delivers a sick one-liner, he explodes. The mansion is burning down and ol’ wizard Le Bail shows up in ghost form and nods his head in approval, Grace and we the audience now understand that Le Bail was the real deal and we’re now richer for the experience. The Fuzz show up as Grace takes a pull off a smooth grette. She makes a witty remark, we laugh. Fin.

Ok it’s safe for you to rejoin us.

Spoiler Free Zone, Welcome Back!

You should have watched Ready or Not, but if you’re reading along and skipped the spoilers, hello again. I thoroughly enjoyed this flick, and I can only imagine if you watched it, you did too. I didn’t find it at all scary but it was thrilling and I was emotionally invested in Grace’s tale of survival. Ah, the timeless tale of getting even with the rich AND our in-laws. I’m just kidding, my in-laws are lovely, but seriously eat the rich. Ready or Not is incredibly fun and exceptionally clever. In case you haven’t seen it, I left out a handful of moments that should produce hefty chuckles. Thanks for joining me! Tune in next week for whichever movie I choose to watch, or don’t, it’s your life.

Body Count: 14 + 1 undetermined.

My Fear Level: Minimal, 2/10 (more thrilling than scary)

Normie Fear Estimation: 3/10

IMDB Rating: 6.9/10 (This is a complete farce. Out of 61,543 voters 20,499 people ranked this movie 6 or lower. Which means 20,499 are brain dead. This shouldn’t surprise me as 50,000+ have Jurassic World ranked as a 10)

Rotten Tomatoes: 88% critic score, 78% audience score.

The Only Rating that Matters: 8.5/10

Does it have an Exploding Head? Sorta? I’m going to say no. There is some delicious head trauma, however.

What do you think? Leave a comment. Trolls will be tossed under the bridge from whence they came.

Train to Busan (2016)

Train to Busan (2016)
Director: Sang-Ho Yeon
Stars: Yoo Gong, Yu-Mi Jung, Dong-seok Ma, Su-an Kim

This entry is another banger on my Flick List. Train to Busan, like the other entries so far, came to me highly recommended and didn’t disappoint. Next time I’m going to have to search for an absolute piece of shit otherwise you’ll start to think it’s just wine and roses around here. A thrilling zombie picture from director Sang-Ho Yeon, Train to Busan is the classic tale of an affluent, yet absent father who struggles to connect with his resentful 10 year-old daughter… who he must protect from hordes of the living dead on a bullet train to Busan. This film somehow only cost $8,500,000 to make while pulling in an impressive $90,600,000. Seriously, I don’t know how this only cost $8.5 million; it’s amazing that people can make one whole film with money equivalent to what Disney/Marvel spend on a single frame focusing on The Hulk’s ass. Admittedly, I enjoy all zombie related media, whether it’s good, bad, or somewhere in between. The only notable exceptions being The Walking Dead show, which is the single most over rated show in television history and The Resident Evil movies, which were the greatest disappointments of my life (I’ve had a pretty decent run). So that being said, a flick as well done as Train to Busan is going to rock my world…

First of all Train to Busan is a Korean film, so there are English subtitles. I know there’s been a lot of controversy lately with Korean film and their having *GASP* subtitles, so let me tell you what, if you have trouble reading subtitles over a moving picture and it actively causes you grief or anger, do us all a favor and self-immolate. If a subtitled Korean film winning best picture at the Oscars vexes thee, go watch Transformers 9: Cruise Control and leave us the hell alone. Second, often in films that are Japanese, Korean, Chinese or Hong Kong in origin there are moments of melodrama that to you may seem out of place, weird or funny. For instance in a tense moment a character may wistfully reminisce about a friend or family member, we may get a freeze frame of two characters sharing a lovely moment or we may see emotion on screen that a North American viewer may find over-the-top or corny. It’s not over-the-top, corny, out of place, weird or funny, they have different aesthetics and conventions and they’re fucking awesome. Stop laughing jerks, yes I’m talking to you, dipshit film students watching The Killer in Popular Film 201 circa 2005. I hope Chow Yun Fat roundhouses your skulls. Third, go watch Train to Busan, it’s on Netflix!

118 minutes is our run time for this work of art. Contained within we have everything we will ever need in a survivor ensemble. Reluctant hero and dick dad, Seok-woo (Yoo Gong), who can’t Wiimember already buying his daughter a Wii. Expectant mother Seong-kyeong (Yu-mi Jung) who acts as a sort of surrogate mother to Soo-an (Su-an Kim), the child of Seok-woo who is doing the impossible here by movie standards in she’s not being a burden or annoying as hell in a life or death situation. You rule Soo-an! Next up is my personal favourite Sang-hwa (Dong-seok Ma) the clever bad ass with a heart of gold. Rounding out our friends are cute Baseball couple Yong-guk and Jin-hee (Woo-sik Choi and Sohee) and Homeless Man (Gwi-hwa Choi). Of course we need the real enemy, man. A rich CEO named Yon-suk (Eui-sung Kim) who has no regard for any life but his own. We don’t need to squint too hard to see what this selfish sack of dicks represents. He also represents mass lols, because he sacrifices lackey’s he’s recruited to buy a few more precious seconds of life. They deserve it, don’t judge me.

Local idiot and dear friend Brandon Cleaver had this to say:

“Unlike Snowpiercer, Train to Busan is actually a good movie about trains”
Brandon Cleaver, Calgary, Alberta

Me needing to be held back from giving Brandon the Mandible Claw.

That is a scorching hot take asshole, you’re also not effusive enough with Train to Busan, it’s a fucking awesome movie and I’m going to buy it.

What stood out for me early in this flick was how unique the movements of the zombies were, the actors deserve a lot of credit. I’m no doctor but these twists, turns and jolts they were doing appeared impossibly unnatural. I’d be curious to learn whether they were some kind of break dancers, contortionists, or the like, but I’m far too lazy to google that right now. Also until quite late in the game there are no firearms present. Our heroes must survive on their wits and blunt instruments (I don’t even think a gun is fired). There were a few times I was reminded of World War Z throughout the run time, for instance I thought “Wowie if World War Z were like this flick it would have been good!” and “Gee Whiz, the way the horde moves is reminiscent of World War Z, but actually done well!”. It also had me thinking “Cool, the horde looks incredibly realistic, unlike World War Z!” and finally “I can’t wait for the sequel to World War Z, maybe Brad Pitt can survive 7 plane crashes this time!”. Hmm this list of zombie related media that I detest is piling up. Perhaps I’m too hard on World War Z… Nah, it sucked.

This was without a doubt the most bone chilling scene in the history of film

Unlike World War Z this flick will not disappoint as you join your heroes on their adventure of survival horror. As the train’s passengers become infected our survivors must navigate the train’s cars as they beat away the undead while battening down the hatches. I wouldn’t call Train to Busan particularly scary, but it sure is thrilling. I genuinely cared about the characters and wanted them to succeed in their mission to survive the ride to Busan, but this is a zombie movie and these hordes aren’t playing around. And of course there’s always man to worry about in these sort of scenarios and here is no different. If you’re familiar with zombie movies you know that as soon as we’re introduced to Yon-suk, the affluent CEO, more often than not he’s the sort that’s going to cause problems. When regarding the Homeless Man, he tells Soo-an something like “See that’s why you stay in school”, to which she proudly retorts “My mother says that’s what bad people say”, no doubt kid. That’s only Soo-an’s second best zinger, her all-time dagger is captioned in the picture header. I imagine that’s what my daughter will say to me in about 10 years, just an absolute dagger.

A flick filled with thrilling action, clever solutions to problems, tender moments and hordes of undead, this movie has everything to satiate the zombie flick fan and should be inserted into your brain asap. If I have one complaint, it’s that it wasn’t particularly gory, which is perfectly fine. I just really like seeing the teeth rip at the skin and our victims being torn apart by the undead (not our heroes of course, the random folk and the bad guys). Mmmm ya know, just clench those teeth on that skin and tear a chunk off, get a nice blood squirt, you got a gore stew going. That being said there is blood and there are some decent squirts, but the gore factor is definitely muted and that’s A-Ok.

So as we wrap up I declare this the best Zombies on a train movie in existence. It may be the only one, but I’m confident all future Zombie train movies will be unable to compare. Unfortunately I could not keep an accurate body count, so you can and should hold that against me. In my defense, it is a zombie movie and scores of random people are eaten and or turned into the living dead, I simply lost count. Have I mentioned this is on Netflix? The best train related media entry since the YouTube video of Thomas the Tank Engine doing Brio stunts to a Notorious BIG song.

This is the sort of thrill ride you’re in for with *Train to Busan*.

Body Count: I already told you I couldn’t keep track.

My Fear Level: 5/10 (Again more thrilling than scary)

Normie Fear Estimation: 5.5/10

IMDB Rating: 7.5/10 (126,437 votes, 855 dummies gave it a 1 and are probably watching World War Z right now. 479 jamokes gave it a 2 and are probably watching a Resident Evil movie right now. 764 mooks gave it a 3 and are probably watching The Walking Dead reruns right about now.)

Rotten Tomatoes: 93% Critic, 88% Audience

The Only Rating that Matters: 9/10

Does it have an Exploding Head? No, it’s greatest flaw.

Have an absolutely ghoooooulish evening.

Green Room (2015)

Green Room (2015)
Director : Jeremy Saulnier
Stars : Anton Yelchin, Imogen Poots, Alia Shawkat, Patrick Stewart

In our last meeting we took a peak at the hoot that was Ready or Not, a whale of a fun time. Green Room is not so much that, oh it’s a tight flick, but fun isn’t what I’d call this ride. This was my first time watching Green Room, having heard glowing reviews from friends and my brother Blair (who purchased the flick and sent it to me for my birthday, after I had done the same for him with Ready or Not). This was, as I said, a tight flick with a crisp 95 minute run time. Made on a budget of $5,000,000 it unfortunately only pulled in $3,800,000, which is incredibly unfortunate. I have to assume it’s enjoyed a good afterlife on Blu-ray and streaming services for how good a movie it is. If you’re a horror fan, this is a must watch. A great cast and expertly crafted by director Jeremy Saulnier; he is able to make you feel the fear, paranoia and claustrophobia the characters are experiencing. By the way, this director did Murder Party (2007), which is another must watch. You may be starting to notice that not only do I ramble, but I deem a lot of flicks must watch for horror fans… I’m aware, stop arguing with me and go watch Murder Party, it’s absolutely hilarious. You know I may just do it next.

Here is your reminder SPOILERS LIE AHEAD!!! Ok, great, you’ve watched Green Room. Tight eh? As you know our cast of characters include a rag tag punk band and a whole shit load of grodey Nazi wannabes. The band is led by Pat, played by the tragically late Anton Yelchin. Anton was killed in a freak accident involving an SUV at the age of 27. In my estimation he did an excellent job playing Kyle Reese in Terminator Salvation. An accurate representation of a character living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape, unlike Jai Courtney in Terminator GenWHY?sis. Apparently in that particular timeline Kyle Reese has access to a Bowflex(tm) that he can use at all hours in between wasting hunter killers in order to get absolutely shredded. Yeah, food isn’t an issue anymore in this timeline. No more lean, scarred, starving future soldiers, instead we get shredded soldiers that look like Terminators. Maybe watch the source material next time? No, Ok, well you tried. This has been a patented Darryl off-topic tangent, now back to our regularly scheduled guide to Green Room. The band consists of Pat (Anton Yelchin), Reece (Joe Cole), Sam (Alia Shawkat) and Tiger (Callum Turner). Rounding out the cast we have booker/interviewer/scene kid Tad (David Thompson), his Nazi cousin Daniel (Mark Webber), scene girl/other musician Amber (Imogen Poots) and that grodey load of Nazis we talked about (I’ll get to their actors as they show up).

Our film starts with a dumbass, I believe Tiger but maybe Reece, asleep at the wheel having plowed into a corn field overnight. This is our introduction to the “Ain’t Rights” a punk band that also includes Pat and Sam (also the name of my dearly departed childhood cats RIP). Their Shaggin’ wagon is out of gas having been left on while El Tigre slept at the wheel. Being low on funds a couple of band mates head out to find a car they can siphon gas from. I’m sorry, does this take place in the Pacific Northwest or Calgary, Alberta? Siphoning gas, horrific driving and Nazis? Sounds like Calgary. If these guys get wasted, I won’t feel bad. We get our standard, sick, establishing, horror shot from a helicopter, showing our heroes drive a lonely road among the trees. They arrive in a coastal town and meet up with scene kid Tad, it appears they’re staying at his place. “We’re gonna drink!” shouts a band mate, “I’ll join you!” Darryl calls to his TV as he cracks a crispy Old Milwaukee on a Tuesday afternoon. Ah, the halcyon times of a horror movie you know won’t last but will fondly recall “Ah, remember when they were having fun at Tad’s, that was awesome”.

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Tad^

Friggin’ Tad informs the band their original gig has been cancelled, so they have to play at a mom and pop diner, brutal. Tad wants to make it up to them so he books them a gig playing for “boots & skins”, that either sounds like a game of touch football where one team is fully naked and the other only has boots on or a show for Nazis; stay tuned. Desperate for that cash money, the “Ain’t Rights” take the gig and are on the road again. They enjoy a wholesome camp fire at night, pal’n around and sharing laughs. Enjoy them “Ain’t Rights”… they will be your last. The next day they have arrived at the gig, a backwater club in the woods and it’s as gross as you imagine and filled with goose-stepping morons, who should try reading books instead of burning them!

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In the green room, hehe, the band readies to play their gig. They’re surrounded by confederate flags and Nazi symbols of all manner. Hey, do you know what Confederates, Nazis and Skinheads have in common? Don’t think too hard, it’s an easy one. They’re all fucking losers. That’s what you worship, losers. They lost, you suck. Relegated to the past tense, famous for being dicks and losing.

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The “Ain’t Right’s” show off their balls/ovaries by playing “Nazi Punks Fuck Off!” by The Dead Kennedy’s and I’ve now decided I do care about their fate despite the poor driving and gas siphoning, this will complicate things. After a cacophony of boos the rest of the show seems to go by without a hitch. All is well, they get paid and they go home, richer for the experience. Nah, Pat goes back to the green room to get Sam’s phone and Wheeps, there’s a dead body. A scene girl named Emily, has been stabbed in the dome by a dude named Werm (of course), who is part of the headlining band. Amber (played by Poots) is there and quite distraught as Emily was her chummy chum. Pat (Yelchin) loses his shit, damn be cool Pat, and calls the cops. At this point were introduced to some more main player Nazi’s; Big Justin (Eric Edelstein) and Gabe (Macon Blair), who seems a little squirrelly. They’re trying to do damage control by holding the “Aint Right’s” in the green room at gunpoint. Then Darcy, the club owner arrives… Darcy is played by a man beloved by all, Patrick Stewart. Picard as a Nazi? Preposterous! Of course Stewart delivers a chilling performance as he commands a legion of dipshit lackeys do to his bidding, but I don’t like it!

Now, left in the green room are the “Ain’t Rights”; Pat, Reece, Sam and Tiger along with Amber and Big Justin. Gabe gives a pistol to Big Justin (Edelstein) who in my opinion bares a resemblance to David Harbour, and he holds the other five at gunpoint. He fancies himself a real bad ass and explains this particular pistol only holds five cartridges because it’s such a powerful hand cannon that it cannot hold six. Neato Justin. Gabe has now left to liaise with Darcy and it turns out Big Justin is useless without Gabe, being quite the mediocre lackey he is overpowered by the band. Gotta love that moxie, turns out the “Ain’t Rights” are tremendous competitors and have secured the hand cannon and a box cutter from Big Doofus. They have also barricaded the green room with a couch and apparently gained an ally in Nazi scene kid Amber. Around this time Darcy (Stewart) is planning some cover up shit and I’m trying to reconcile how this lovely actor could be both Picard and this monster. He should be sipping wine at his vineyard, retired from a long and illustrious career at Starfleet. Anyway he bosses Gabe around and I’m maybe getting the feeling Gabe isn’t cut out for this hard shit. He has kind eyes, but he’s still a Nazi, so F him.

Darcy and his Nazi gang are now inside the club, but outside the barricaded green room. Negotiations are afoot. Darcy wants them to hand over the gun or some bull and they want the cops called. Darcy feeds them a line about complications with the Police and I’m just steeeeewing. Thankfully Reece, who is the tough guy of the “Aint Rights” had Big Doofus lie down while Pat and Tiger bound his hands with electrical wires. Then Reece cut his throat with the box cutter to send a message before telling Darcy “I snipped Big Justin’s carotid artery and have five shots, if I’m going to hell I’m taking another five of you with me”. That unfortunately isn’t what happened. I told my brother that would have been my play and it should have been theirs.

“Not everyone is a psycho like u lol”
Blair Jordan, Kingston, Ontario

Touche Blair and fuck you. Pat *SIGHS DEEPLY* surrenders the pistol to Darcy, holding the door open slightly and reaching through. Amber recognizes that it’s actually bad news bears. Panic erupts and Pat is slashed with machetes. The pistol is gone, the green room sealed once more and Pat’s arm is a wet noodle. Reece the tough guy snaps Big Justin’s big arm before snuffing out his wasted life. Amber bisects his torso and abdomen just to be sure, gotta be sure. Bye Big Justin. Damn Pat’s arm is really messed up. They discover light underneath the green room and break through the floor and *GASP* a narcotics operation! Nazis dealing drugs? What’s next harming innocent people who did nothing to them? Unfortunately for our survivors there is no escape to be found in the drug den. Time for a new plan. Tiger finds some duct tape and they bandage up Pat’s arm. He now has a Duct Tape sleeve and that’s pretty metal.

The “Ain’t Rights” and Amber have now geared up, ready for their big stand and holy shit it does not go well. Who cares about Big Justin, you knew he’d die, but if you’re planning on watching this, and you should, stop reading now. SPOILERS. Ok. I think maybe you guys should have kept the hand cannon but what do I know, I’m not a doctor. The club bookkeeper and resident Nazi attack dog trainer Clark (Kai Lennox) unleashes a highly trained dawg and it wastes zero time ripping out the throat of the poorly named Tiger, he’s out of this ball game, bring out the lefty. Reece takes a crack at escaping and it’s honestly too bad he didn’t think it through. He was a tough guy. His fate is a multiple stabs to the back as he crawls out of a window. Shouldn’t have let go of the gun my friend, good luck on the other side. Clark and his pal Hooch retreat from the club after a mics high pitched feedback scares the lil’ smookems. Pat, Sam and Amber return to the green room, defeated.

Now a new set of D-bags are sent to finish off the remaining threesome. This time Tad’s Cousin Daniel (Webber) and a lackey are sent in. Daniel has been told they were the ones that murdered Amber’s scene girlfriend Emily. Amber tells Daniel to stop being such a jamoke and that it was Werm that killed Emily. Turns out Cousin Daniel and Emily had a thing, that’s why Werm killed her and suddenly our threesome is a foursome, Cousin Daniel has joined the good guys! Wow what a relief, surely he has insight on how they can escape and likely knows where some guns are. YES, he does he’s got a shotty and- Oh shit they shot Daniel in the face. First Lol moment for me as it’s quite jarring to see half of Daniel’s face disappear. It was the rat bastard bartender! They give him a nice machete to the arm and neck and our bodies are starting to pile up. Now a threesome again, they have a shotty and attempt to escape but run right into an ambush, I mean why choose what appears to be the front door guys? *SIGH* I guess it wouldn’t be horror without some dubious decision making. Sam is able to get a shot off, wounding the poor doggo (It’s incredibly rare that I’d agree with shooting at the pooch, but I’m going to go ahead and side with Sam on this one after seeing him feast on Tiger’s larynx). The doggo, being a tremendous competitor himself barely flinches and poor, lovable Sam meets the same fate as Tiger. Amber takes a bullet in the leg and now it’s just the twosome retreating back to the green room. The final two, Amber and Pat, Poots and Yelchin. Sounds like a yacht rock band.

The twosome have a heart to heart and decide it’s time for fresh tactics. Darcy and Clark piss off to take care of staging a scene and two lackeys are sent to finish off the final two. Of course these jabronis don’t stand a chance. The final pair have given themselves war paint and that is pretty cash money of them. The lackey’s are dispatched by our clever pair, is it finally time to leave the green room for good? Almost. Fresh off their victory the final two are armed with a shotgun and a pistol when Ol’ Gabe fresh off a promotion from Darcy shows up ready to clean the scene. Only Gabe doesn’t find a scene to clean up, he finds out Amber and Pat were victorious over the lackeys. So whether he’s just afraid to get iced or really means it, turns out he wasn’t made for this hard Nazi life, Gabe says he wants to go to jail, or maybe doesn’t? But that he didn’t want any of this. Good on ya Gabe, too fucking little, too fucking late, Gabriel. I’d have executed him, gotta send a message.

Gabe is trotted through the woods at gunpoint when they hear shots ringing out. Gabe informs them that this is the staging of the scene. Gabe is sent away to call the fuzz and the final two decide it’s time to get some payback. Pat and Amber waste Clark the Dog Whisperer and another lackey before they waste Darcy. It was kinda weird seeing Patrick Stewart obliterated in such a manner. I have not been this uncomfortable with a Patrick Stewart scene since that time in Masterminds (1997) where the kid turned up the heat on those bad guys.

Green Room was tight. It was unsettling, anxiety inducing and the right amount of graphic. Back to back entries we’ve had some fun here, fulfilling fantasies of killing the rich and fantasies of killin’ Nazis (although losing your friends isn’t so cool, fantasy demands sacrifice). Excellent flick.

Body Count: 12

My Fear Level: 6/10 (More anxiety than fear)

Normie Fear Estimation: 7 or 8/10

IMDB Rating: 7/10

Rotten Tomatoes: 91% Critic, 75% Audience

The Only Rating that Matters: 8.5/10

Does it have an Exploding Head? No, but half a guy’s face is blown off with a shotgun, so that was neat.

Until next time.

Darryl M. Jordan, @Djordatron, buffjordan14

Filmmaker, Writer, Producer, Some times Actor, Father, Husband, Son, Brother, Friend, Cousin, Human, Person, Man, Guy, Dude, Bro, and He.

Behold! This is My Nightmare. Welcome friends, enemies and well-wishers. In this space you will find reviews for, recommendations of and guides to Horror Films of all types. It will not be for the faint of heart or those with weak stomachs. No, not because I describe exploding heads in such glorious detail, or because the films themselves are so gory; but because if you choose to watch certain recommendations you will regret it, I know I did. So awful are these entries that they often border on unwatchable, Robowar I am absolutely talking about you.

Why am I doing this?

I’ve always wanted to and I want to share with you the good, the bad and the downright ugly.
It is a space not only to catalog all manner of horror, but to help inform any sorry soul who either is looking for a thrill or just a big ol’ masochist.
These films are a dream to some, a nightmare to others.

There’s no more browsing the video store for that perfect D Horror film to satiate your needs, so browse here instead. Eventually, it is my desire for this space to evolve and feature vignettes, video blogs/reviews and even feature guest contributions from similarly minded degenerates.

Viewers Beware You’re in For Spoilers!!!
I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try keeping the spoils to a minimum.
These entries will be my personal reviews of and guides to the flicks I watch. Inevitably there will be spoilers contained inside. If you’re planning on watching grade-A horror flicks like Hereditary or Babadook, you should be watching them first before reading anything about them here.
This is mostly a guide for fun and the lolz, if you’re looking for spoiler free newspaper style reviews, this ain’t it.
If you’re looking for in depth analysis of the mise-en-scene of Robowar, this ain’t it.
Now, if you’re looking for a fun guide to which flicks contain the most gruesome, lol inducing head explosions, then this is definitely it.

Each guide will have a variety of ratings. Body Count, My Fear Level, A Normie’s Fear Level (an estimate to how scary I think this flick would be for a casual viewer), Total Ratings (my rating, plus IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, etc.), and does it have an exploding head?

That’s it for now! Prepare to have your will challenged. Dare you sit through the entirety of Robowar?

If any Ghouls or Goblins have any feedback, questions or whatever, feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email, Darryl.jordan14@gmail.com