Green Room (2015)

Green Room (2015)

Director : Jeremy Saulnier
Stars : Anton Yelchin, Imogen Poots, Alia Shawkat, Patrick Stewart

In our last meeting we took a peak at the hoot that was Ready or Not, a whale of a fun time. Green Room is not so much that, oh it’s a tight flick, but fun isn’t what I’d call this ride. This was my first time watching Green Room, having heard glowing reviews from friends and my brother Blair (who purchased the flick and sent it to me for my birthday, after I had done the same for him with Ready or Not). This was, as I said, a tight flick with a crisp 95 minute run time. Made on a budget of $5,000,000 it unfortunately only pulled in $3,800,000, which is incredibly unfortunate. I have to assume it’s enjoyed a good afterlife on Blu-ray and streaming services for how good a movie it is. If you’re a horror fan, this is a must watch. A great cast and expertly crafted by director Jeremy Saulnier; he is able to make you feel the fear, paranoia and claustrophobia the characters are experiencing. By the way, this director did Murder Party (2007), which is another must watch. You may be starting to notice that not only do I ramble, but I deem a lot of flicks must watch for horror fans… I’m aware, stop arguing with me and go watch Murder Party, it’s absolutely hilarious. You know I may just do it next.

Here is your reminder SPOILERS LIE AHEAD!!! Ok, great, you’ve watched Green Room. Tight eh? As you know our cast of characters include a rag tag punk band and a whole shit load of grodey Nazi wannabes. The band is led by Pat, played by the tragically late Anton Yelchin. Anton was killed in a freak accident involving an SUV at the age of 27. In my estimation he did an excellent job playing Kyle Reese in Terminator Salvation. An accurate representation of a character living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape, unlike Jai Courtney in Terminator GenWHY?sis. Apparently in that particular timeline Kyle Reese has access to a Bowflex(tm) that he can use at all hours in between wasting hunter killers in order to get absolutely shredded. Yeah, food isn’t an issue anymore in this timeline. No more lean, scarred, starving future soldiers, instead we get shredded soldiers that look like Terminators. Maybe watch the source material next time? No, Ok, well you tried. This has been a patented Darryl off-topic tangent, now back to our regularly scheduled guide to Green Room. The band consists of Pat (Anton Yelchin), Reece (Joe Cole), Sam (Alia Shawkat) and Tiger (Callum Turner). Rounding out the cast we have booker/interviewer/scene kid Tad (David Thompson), his Nazi cousin Daniel (Mark Webber), scene girl/other musician Amber (Imogen Poots) and that grodey load of Nazis we talked about (I’ll get to their actors as they show up).

Our film starts with a dumbass, I believe Tiger but maybe Reece, asleep at the wheel having plowed into a corn field overnight. This is our introduction to the “Ain’t Rights” a punk band that also includes Pat and Sam (also the name of my dearly departed childhood cats RIP). Their Shaggin’ wagon is out of gas having been left on while El Tigre slept at the wheel. Being low on funds a couple of band mates head out to find a car they can siphon gas from. I’m sorry, does this take place in the Pacific Northwest or Calgary, Alberta? Siphoning gas, horrific driving and Nazis? Sounds like Calgary. If these guys get wasted, I won’t feel bad. We get our standard, sick, establishing, horror shot from a helicopter, showing our heroes drive a lonely road among the trees. They arrive in a coastal town and meet up with scene kid Tad, it appears they’re staying at his place. “We’re gonna drink!” shouts a band mate, “I’ll join you!” Darryl calls to his TV as he cracks a crispy Old Milwaukee on a Tuesday afternoon. Ah, the halcyon times of a horror movie you know won’t last but will fondly recall “Ah, remember when they were having fun at Tad’s, that was awesome”.

Tad^

Friggin’ Tad informs the band their original gig has been cancelled, so they have to play at a mom and pop diner, brutal. Tad wants to make it up to them so he books them a gig playing for “boots & skins”, that either sounds like a game of touch football where one team is fully naked and the other only has boots on or a show for Nazis; stay tuned. Desperate for that cash money, the “Ain’t Rights” take the gig and are on the road again. They enjoy a wholesome camp fire at night, pal’n around and sharing laughs. Enjoy them “Ain’t Rights”… they will be your last. The next day they have arrived at the gig, a backwater club in the woods and it’s as gross as you imagine and filled with goose-stepping morons, who should try reading books instead of burning them!

In the green room, hehe, the band readies to play their gig. They’re surrounded by confederate flags and Nazi symbols of all manner. Hey, do you know what Confederates, Nazis and Skinheads have in common? Don’t think too hard, it’s an easy one. They’re all fucking losers. That’s what you worship, losers. They lost, you suck. Relegated to the past tense, famous for being dicks and losing.

The “Ain’t Right’s” show off their balls/ovaries by playing “Nazi Punks Fuck Off!” by The Dead Kennedy’s and I’ve now decided I do care about their fate despite the poor driving and gas siphoning, this will complicate things. After a cacophony of boos the rest of the show seems to go by without a hitch. All is well, they get paid and they go home, richer for the experience. Nah, Pat goes back to the green room to get Sam’s phone and Wheeps, there’s a dead body. A scene girl named Emily, has been stabbed in the dome by a dude named Werm (of course), who is part of the headlining band. Amber (played by Poots) is there and quite distraught as Emily was her chummy chum. Pat (Yelchin) loses his shit, damn be cool Pat, and calls the cops. At this point were introduced to some more main player Nazi’s; Big Justin (Eric Edelstein) and Gabe (Macon Blair), who seems a little squirrelly. They’re trying to do damage control by holding the “Aint Right’s” in the green room at gunpoint. Then Darcy, the club owner arrives… Darcy is played by a man beloved by all, Patrick Stewart. Picard as a Nazi? Preposterous! Of course Stewart delivers a chilling performance as he commands a legion of dipshit lackeys do to his bidding, but I don’t like it!

Now, left in the green room are the “Ain’t Rights”; Pat, Reece, Sam and Tiger along with Amber and Big Justin. Gabe gives a pistol to Big Justin (Edelstein) who in my opinion bares a resemblance to David Harbour, and he holds the other five at gunpoint. He fancies himself a real bad ass and explains this particular pistol only holds five cartridges because it’s such a powerful hand cannon that it cannot hold six. Neato Justin. Gabe has now left to liaise with Darcy and it turns out Big Justin is useless without Gabe, being quite the mediocre lackey he is overpowered by the band. Gotta love that moxie, turns out the “Ain’t Rights” are tremendous competitors and have secured the hand cannon and a box cutter from Big Doofus. They have also barricaded the green room with a couch and apparently gained an ally in Nazi scene kid Amber. Around this time Darcy (Stewart) is planning some cover up shit and I’m trying to reconcile how this lovely actor could be both Picard and this monster. He should be sipping wine at his vineyard, retired from a long and illustrious career at Starfleet. Anyway he bosses Gabe around and I’m maybe getting the feeling Gabe isn’t cut out for this hard shit. He has kind eyes, but he’s still a Nazi, so F him.

Darcy and his Nazi gang are now inside the club, but outside the barricaded green room. Negotiations are afoot. Darcy wants them to hand over the gun or some bull and they want the cops called. Darcy feeds them a line about complications with the Police and I’m just steeeeewing. Thankfully Reece, who is the tough guy of the “Aint Rights” had Big Doofus lie down while Pat and Tiger bound his hands with electrical wires. Then Reece cut his throat with the box cutter to send a message before telling Darcy “I snipped Big Justin’s carotid artery and have five shots, if I’m going to hell I’m taking another five of you with me”. That unfortunately isn’t what happened. I told my brother that would have been my play and it should have been theirs.

“Not everyone is a psycho like u lol”

Blair Jordan, Kingston, Ontario

Touche Blair and fuck you. Pat *SIGHS DEEPLY* surrenders the pistol to Darcy, holding the door open slightly and reaching through. Amber recognizes that it’s actually bad news bears. Panic erupts and Pat is slashed with machetes. The pistol is gone, the green room sealed once more and Pat’s arm is a wet noodle. Reece the tough guy snaps Big Justin’s big arm before snuffing out his wasted life. Amber bisects his torso and abdomen just to be sure, gotta be sure. Bye Big Justin. Damn Pat’s arm is really messed up. They discover light underneath the green room and break through the floor and *GASP* a narcotics operation! Nazis dealing drugs? What’s next harming innocent people who did nothing to them? Unfortunately for our survivors there is no escape to be found in the drug den. Time for a new plan. Tiger finds some duct tape and they bandage up Pat’s arm. He now has a Duct Tape sleeve and that’s pretty metal.

The “Ain’t Rights” and Amber have now geared up, ready for their big stand and holy shit it does not go well. Who cares about Big Justin, you knew he’d die, but if you’re planning on watching this, and you should, stop reading now. SPOILERS. Ok. I think maybe you guys should have kept the hand cannon but what do I know, I’m not a doctor. The club bookkeeper and resident Nazi attack dog trainer Clark (Kai Lennox) unleashes a highly trained dawg and it wastes zero time ripping out the throat of the poorly named Tiger, he’s out of this ball game, bring out the lefty. Reece takes a crack at escaping and it’s honestly too bad he didn’t think it through. He was a tough guy. His fate is a multiple stabs to the back as he crawls out of a window. Shouldn’t have let go of the gun my friend, good luck on the other side. Clark and his pal Hooch retreat from the club after a mics high pitched feedback scares the lil’ smookems. Pat, Sam and Amber return to the green room, defeated.

Now a new set of D-bags are sent to finish off the remaining threesome. This time Tad’s Cousin Daniel (Webber) and a lackey are sent in. Daniel has been told they were the ones that murdered Amber’s scene girlfriend Emily. Amber tells Daniel to stop being such a jamoke and that it was Werm that killed Emily. Turns out Cousin Daniel and Emily had a thing, that’s why Werm killed her and suddenly our threesome is a foursome, Cousin Daniel has joined the good guys! Wow what a relief, surely he has insight on how they can escape and likely knows where some guns are. YES, he does he’s got a shotty and- Oh shit they shot Daniel in the face. First Lol moment for me as it’s quite jarring to see half of Daniel’s face disappear. It was the rat bastard bartender! They give him a nice machete to the arm and neck and our bodies are starting to pile up. Now a threesome again, they have a shotty and attempt to escape but run right into an ambush, I mean why choose what appears to be the front door guys? *SIGH* I guess it wouldn’t be horror without some dubious decision making. Sam is able to get a shot off, wounding the poor doggo (It’s incredibly rare that I’d agree with shooting at the pooch, but I’m going to go ahead and side with Sam on this one after seeing him feast on Tiger’s larynx). The doggo, being a tremendous competitor himself barely flinches and poor, lovable Sam meets the same fate as Tiger. Amber takes a bullet in the leg and now it’s just the twosome retreating back to the green room. The final two, Amber and Pat, Poots and Yelchin. Sounds like a yacht rock band.

The twosome have a heart to heart and decide it’s time for fresh tactics. Darcy and Clark piss off to take care of staging a scene and two lackeys are sent to finish off the final two. Of course these jabronis don’t stand a chance. The final pair have given themselves war paint and that is pretty cash money of them. The lackey’s are dispatched by our clever pair, is it finally time to leave the green room for good? Almost. Fresh off their victory the final two are armed with a shotgun and a pistol when Ol’ Gabe fresh off a promotion from Darcy shows up ready to clean the scene. Only Gabe doesn’t find a scene to clean up, he finds out Amber and Pat were victorious over the lackeys. So whether he’s just afraid to get iced or really means it, turns out he wasn’t made for this hard Nazi life, Gabe says he wants to go to jail, or maybe doesn’t? But that he didn’t want any of this. Good on ya Gabe, too fucking little, too fucking late, Gabriel. I’d have executed him, gotta send a message.

Gabe is trotted through the woods at gunpoint when they hear shots ringing out. Gabe informs them that this is the staging of the scene. Gabe is sent away to call the fuzz and the final two decide it’s time to get some payback. Pat and Amber waste Clark the Dog Whisperer and another lackey before they waste Darcy. It was kinda weird seeing Patrick Stewart obliterated in such a manner. I have not been this uncomfortable with a Patrick Stewart scene since that time in Masterminds (1997) where the kid turned up the heat on those bad guys.

Green Room was tight. It was unsettling, anxiety inducing and the right amount of graphic. Back to back entries we’ve had some fun here, fulfilling fantasies of killing the rich and fantasies of killin’ Nazis (although losing your friends isn’t so cool, fantasy demands sacrifice). Excellent flick.

Body Count: 12

My Fear Level: 6/10 (More anxiety than fear)

Normie Fear Estimation: 7 or 8/10

IMDB Rating: 7/10

Rotten Tomatoes: 91% Critic, 75% Audience

The Only Rating that Matters: 8.5/10

Does it have an Exploding Head? No, but half a guy’s face is blown off with a shotgun, so that was neat.

Until next time.