Ready or Not (2019)

Ready or Not (2019)

Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett
Stars: Samara Weaving, Adam Brody, Mark O’Brien, Henry Czerny, Andie MacDowell

I vividly recall when the trailers dropped for this flick thinking “Hmm, looks Ok. I may watch it some day. Probably not, but maybe. If I’m in the mood. Someday. Probably not though”. What a fucking idiot. I started hearing some positive buzz for the flick and read a glowing review contained in my local yet American Hedge Fund Owned Far Right Wing American Interests Tabloid Newspaper. So then I thought “Hmm, interesting. I’ll definitely consider possibly thinking about giving this movie a watch some day. Probably not”. What an asshole. It gets to theaters and still, I hear good things. I almost went, but probably chose to watch Avengers 7: Cruise Control instead. Dipshit. Time passed and still I had not seen Ready or Not until one fateful evening. My pal Dallas, who had an unhealthy obsession with my not having seen Encino Man, wanted to watch Encino Man. It was exactly as underwhelming and mediocre as I had imagined. The best part was the frequently used meme with the bully shaking his head ‘No’ when Astin is scoping his girlfriend in class. Anyway, enough about Encino Man, that was the disappointing appetizer, it was time for the main effin’ course. Ready or Not…

Let’s get it out of the way, if you couldn’t tell already, I loved this flick. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this gibberish and get it playing on your preferred method of viewing, I’ll wait… Awesome right?

A little background on this flick before we get to the goods. This is the second feature directed by this duo, having previously done Devil’s Due, the “10/31/98” segment from V/H/S and a variety of short films. “10/31/98” was probably my least favorite segment from V/H/S, however I still enjoyed it thoroughly. The budget was $6,000,000 and the box-office came in at $57.4 million. Impressive. Most Impressive. 6 milly well spent. This is why Horror rules, these beauties took a modest $6,000,000 and made a feast for the eyes and a treat for the demented soul. Like so many Horror filmmakers before them, they translated a modest budget into box-office gold. The star of the show is Samara Weaving, and she is AWESOME. I had only seen Samara in Ash vs. Evil Dead, but that’s going to change. She’s a star. Holy shit, I just checked IMDB for her future projects and she’s going to be Scarlett in the new GIJOE spin off. Now, I only just found out this movie existed, but this is clearly the greatest casting of all time. If she whips half the ass in Snake Eyes as she does in Ready or Not we’re in for a treat. Ok, we should move on from how cool Samara is; did I mention she’s Hugo Weaving’s niece? That is neat.

She’s also going to be in the new Bill and Ted movie, damn she’s cool.

“Make sure you include how fucking bomb-tastic Samara Weaving was. A tour de force says Dallas Davies”

Dallas Davies, Calgary, Alberta

Ok, here is your reminder SPOILERS are ahead. Now, begrudgingly moving on from Samara Weaving and to the film Ready or Not, starring Samara Weaving. Our film opens with two kid brothers running through the halls of a lavish mansion, I hate these kids already, eat the rich. A distraught man approaches the older one and begs for help. Dude if you need help from a 12 year old just pack your shit, you’re done. The kid, being a spoiled rich boy, rats out this hapless and child reliant oaf, screaming “he’s in here!”. The oaf panics and attempts to run but is met by a group of masked rich folk who appear to have had their Eyes Wide Shut party interrupted. One of these masked bastards shoots the oaf with a crossbow, which is admittedly bad-ass, even for someone who appears to have just left Max Shreck’s costume party while their 1st born child is being kidnapped by the Red Triangle Gang. This my friend’s is the hook, and it’s a good one. I’m in, ready or not here I come.

Fast forward 30 years, finally, Samara is here! She plays Grace a former foster kid who longs to have a family of her own. She is about to marry rich boy Alex, played by Mark O’brien, Alex seems to be Ok for a spoiled rich kid. Oh shit, here comes Seth from the OC, I love Seth! (Lovely Adam Brody playing Daniel, Alex’s brother). It’s time for a wedding and there’s nothing scary about that, just pledging to spend the rest of your life with another soul. Til’ death do us part, Am I right? This family seems pretty alright for stuffy rich folk, and there’s Andie MacDowell as Alex’s mom, Becky and she’s always pretty chill. Hmm, there is a creepy older woman at the wedding staring daggers at Samara, how dare she? Relax creepy older woman, it’s a party.

It is now the night of Alex and Grace’s wedding and instead of having the obligatory “holy shit we’re tired from this long ass day, but it’s our wedding night, so we gotta do it” sex, Alex informs Grace they have to play a game. She’s a lil’ confused but since it’s apparently this weird ass family tradition she’s game because games are fun and fun is fun. Turns out creepy older woman is Aunt Helene and she is still a grumpy curmudgeon, loosen up it’s a party. Now Alex, Grace and the Le Domas family (Patriarch Tony, Matriarch Becky, Brother Daniel; His wife Charity, Sister Emilie; her husband Fitch, and Aunt Helene) are gathered around a large table and we’re hit with the shocking revelation that Seth from the OC (Daniel) is no longer with Summer. He is now an alcoholic married to a vapid gold-digger only after his Cohen Cash. Patriarch Tony gives us some much needed context as he explains that his great-great-great grand pappy made a deal with some kinda wizard named Le Belvedere, Le Beauregard or Le Bail. This travelling wizard helped build the Le Domas family fortune in exchange for the promise they would observe this wedding night tradition of playing a game. That’s all it takes to become fabulously wealthy? Sign me up. They pass an old box full of cards around, silly Fitch tells us he played old maid, what a silly goose, hush Fitch. It is now time for Grace to choose a card… Hide and Seek, uh-oh. Alex is devastated while other family members appear visually distraught. Grace, not grasping what’s truly going on begins to hide as the family arms up with antique weaponry.

At this point my mind is eagerly imagining the fun times to come. I can’t wait to watch the inevitable transformation of Grace from elegant bride to a bad-ass running through these stuffy rich folk. I mean who hasn’t fantasized about butchering a filthy rich family with their own antique weapons and then stealing their gold? Now it may not have went down exactly like that, but it was damn satisfying none the less.

Alex, having previously been locked away so he wouldn’t interfere with the game has escaped and found his bride. In their room he tries to explain how dire the situation actually is. They hear a family member approaching and this leads to my first wheezing belly laugh of the film. Emilie, Alex’s sister, who enjoys Coca Cola Classic far too much, makes an egregious error. Grace doesn’t find the situation as amusing as I did, but she is now fully aware of what the game’s consequences are. As an aside with full disclosure, I enjoy stylized violence quite a bit, especially anything with significant gore. I have been known to have fits of laughter at times others may deem inappropriate (I refer to watching A History of Violence and Eastern Promises in theaters. Apparently some boomers in attendance didn’t share my affinity for brutal violence on the silver screen). I can’t help myself. Moving along, Alex informs Grace that the family believes they must murder her by sunrise or the pact with Le Bail will be broken and great misfortune will befall the Le Domas clan. These opulent bozos actually believe this? Ok. It is revealed that this card was pulled 30 years ago, our opening hook was Alex and Daniel as children ratting out that hapless chap.

It’s now time for Grace to actually run and hide. After Seth from the OC (Daniel) discovers Grace, we find out he’s actually an Ok guy and gives Grace a head start before calling out to his more bloodthirsty family. Alex, ever the dutiful husband, smashes the families security monitors to help Grace a little. I’d have just smashed my families faces were it me and they were that evil, but you do you Alex. Grace has now escaped the mansion and is hiding out in a barn. Things have been relatively “easy” for Grace up until this point, but that changes after she’s confronted by one of Emilie’s bratty children. This kid is supposed to be in bed, not part of the game, this family pisses me off. After suffering a grievous wound, Grace punches the small child in the face and I have another hearty laugh. Our hero ends up in a pit filled with other victims and I feel like I can actually smell her surroundings, this pit sucks. All I could think of was “Oh no, Grace is going to get Hantavirus!” Grace escapes the pit by performing one of those cringe inducing feats typically reserved for an Evil Dead picture. It was awesome.

Out of the barn now our hero runs into the butler, who has been tasked with retrieving her. She’s able to jack his ride and we’re feeling good, but uh oh… There’s ample run time left. The On-Star jerk on the intercom kills the ignition and Grace is SOL. After some back and forth with the butler the car is wrecked with Grace being captured and returned to the mansion. Is this the untimely end of Grace? It looks that way. She’s prepared for sacrifice as these psychos drink some kind of ceremonial libation. The family then display symptoms I can only describe as “your guide had too many crispy boys in Houston before the Bills playoff game a few weeks back”. There is bloody gurr (puke), everywhere. It turns out our boy Seth from the OC (Daniel) is a good man, after all! He gave his asshole family members some non-lethal poison, much like the non-lethal tequila I imbibed after having far too many crispy boys in Houston before the Bills playoff game. A fire is started during a scuffle with the patriarch, Tony.

Grace now must face the matriarch, Becky, in a classic Aging Heel vs Young Baby Face match. The Face squashes her opponent, 1-2-3 for the title, the crowd goes wild and your guide is lolling again. Alex shows up and being an entitled, toxic, rich boy can’t get past not having Grace for his own and gives her up to the family. Dink, she should have married Seth from the OC (Daniel). Grace is now once more prepared for the sacrifice and the twisted family hail Satan. She’s able to break free because she’s awesome.

While Grace and creepy Aunt Helene struggle a window curtain is moved to reveal the sun has risen! Ok, seriously, if you haven’t seen this flick stop reading and go watch it. Or if you want, skip ahead and I’ll highlight where it’s safe to start reading again. There Be Spoilz ahead.

The family gasps in terror as… Nothing happens. The tradition is a load of hogwash. Of course it is, dummies. These people actually thought the deal with Le Bail was real. So many people have died because of your sad devotion to this insane tradition, I mean-WHOA, WTF! Aunt Helene just exploded. I don’t have time to Lol. After a moment or two pass to let things sink in, another family member explodes. Emilie rushes her children out of the room and we get three consecutive poofs of human gore shooting through the thresh hold. The kids exploded, classic. The rest of the family has become a pile of goo on the floor, leaving Alex with his wife. He begs for forgiveness like the yellow bellied coward he is before she delivers a sick one-liner, he explodes. The mansion is burning down and ol’ wizard Le Bail shows up in ghost form and nods his head in approval, Grace and we the audience now understand that Le Bail was the real deal and we’re now richer for the experience. The Fuzz show up as Grace takes a pull off a smooth grette. She makes a witty remark, we laugh. Fin.

Ok it’s safe for you to rejoin us.

Spoiler Free Zone, Welcome Back!

You should have watched Ready or Not, but if you’re reading along and skipped the spoilers, hello again. I thoroughly enjoyed this flick, and I can only imagine if you watched it, you did too. I didn’t find it at all scary but it was thrilling and I was emotionally invested in Grace’s tale of survival. Ah, the timeless tale of getting even with the rich AND our in-laws. I’m just kidding, my in-laws are lovely, but seriously eat the rich. Ready or Not is incredibly fun and exceptionally clever. In case you haven’t seen it, I left out a handful of moments that should produce hefty chuckles. Thanks for joining me! Tune in next week for whichever movie I choose to watch, or don’t, it’s your life.

Body Count: 14 + 1 undetermined.

My Fear Level: Minimal, 2/10 (more thrilling than scary)

Normie Fear Estimation: 3/10

IMDB Rating: 6.9/10 (This is a complete farce. Out of 61,543 voters 20,499 people ranked this movie 6 or lower. Which means 20,499 are brain dead. This shouldn’t surprise me as 50,000+ have Jurassic World ranked as a 10)

Rotten Tomatoes: 88% critic score, 78% audience score.

The Only Rating that Matters: 8.5/10

Does it have an Exploding Head? Sorta? I’m going to say no. There is some delicious head trauma, however.

What do you think? Leave a comment. Trolls will be tossed under the bridge from whence they came.

•